up here in the city it feels like things are closin' in the sunset's just my light bulb burnin' out i miss kentucky and i miss my family all the sweetest winds, they blow across the south.
I went for a jog through my neighborhood today. I always like to burn off a little steam after a night out. I saw lots of lottery tickets on the sidewalk in front of one of the tattered homes. People trying to find a way out. I secretly wished them good luck.
Today was cloudy, and so was yesterday. Even with the coming of spring, I can't help but feel that a part of my life is waning away. I can't decide whether I should harvest now, or let things grow a little longer to see if anything blooms. All this figurative speech won't change a thing, because I'm still sitting here at my computer and nothing seems to really be changing from one moment to the next. Life freezes like that sometimes, and I understand how people can get hung up on one moment for half their life. I'm trying to live normally but that one moment, that one beat, is still holding me back.
You know, sometimes the bridge is the most beautiful part of a song. It's almost like you know the song is going to end and because of that you let yourself be carried away by the richness of the music, moving with every beat and really feeling it flow through you. I believe music is the most powerful way to reach a person's heart, and that a song is symmetrical with a person's life.
I think some people go through life like zombies because they think they're going to live into old age. Like the song has no end. Even if we don't know how many days we have, it's important to never miss a beat. I am afraid I am missing beats right now, like I've dropped my sticks and all you hear is the thumpthumpthump of my bass drum while I try to find my sticks. The song collapses inward for a moment, and everyone feels it. Like a rope for a blind man, the bass has to keep leading the way for me until I pick up the sticks again and clear thoughts scatter the darkness.
I saw a girl last night at the bar who looked a little sad. Her friends were talking to her at first, then they kind of left her alone and talked among themselves. They seemed to be in high spirits, but she was off to the side, looking at her phone. In the dim neon light of the bar, the blueish glow from her phone illuminated her soft face, and her forehead was wrinkled slightly with stress. I thought about talking to her, then my friend tried to encourage me. I hesitated, couldn't quite do it. I took a sip of my beer, looking down into the glass. Several minutes went by while my friend and I talked more about life, and every so often I couldn't help but glance over at her. I wondered why she had bothered to come out, and I wondered who she was texting. I don't think she even noticed me...she was not quite in the moment. Hung up on some other moment, that has come and gone, allowed to survive in her mind because of the glowing device she held in her hand... At that point I wondered how many moments we've ruined like that.
Then, her friends grabbed her arm and they all left the bar. I'll never see her again, and I don't need to. I learned a lot just from watching her sit at the bar. I checked my phone, took a drink and kept talking, but the rest of the evening had a different undertone after she left.
I like to think I do everything I can to live my life the best I can. Sometimes we go against our gut feelings to protect something. An idea, a person, a relationship. And when that happens, our gut turns against us.
I haven't been feeling very well today, and I don't think it's just because of the beer.
When I finished jogging I stopped on the sidewalk and did my usual stretching routine. I thought about the night before, tonight, and all the nights to come. I took a deep breath and stepped inside to take a shower.
"This is your life," I sung, "are you who you wanna be?"
